Managing.

You, as you are. No more and no less.

Managed feelings?
How?
I must be an ignorant,
I was always sure of that.

How does anyone manage what they feel and, at the same time, be an inconformist?

How does anyone manage not to feel rage in the face of oppression?

How does anyone manage not to feel forlorn?

How does one manage the feeling towards one's own children?

I learnt to paint a smile on my face before a dead man's laughter, and to swallow tears. You know who.

I learnt to paint that smile on for any child who looks up to me, even if I'm broken. They won't be a part of it. Again, you know who.

I learnt to paint that smile on for the dying, the wounded, the efficient and the heartless.

I learnt to say: "yes" and: "no", even if they ran deep against the grain of myself. With that same smile.

I won't fake that smile here.

I can't feel what I want myself to. I can't ignore what I feel.

I suspect that saying otherwise is an exercise in self-deception.

I manage my responses. I manage my words, my actions. My feelings, like my pulse or respiratory rate, are something that happens even when I'm asleep.

Here's an incongruence for you: I have the dreams to prove it.

It's not your problem, I know. Then again, I did not force you to read this. There's always a choice for you, even when I'm physically there.

Saturday, 7-9. If you can manage, will you show me how it's done?

I leave my last actions "on" on the other side. You decide what to do with those.